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not as good of a person as I should be.

I am tired of this nonsense. I'm tired of waking up every morning since I've been back home having just dreamt of Siberia and wanting so badly to go back there. Because yeah, I miss the people alright, and yeah, I miss the scenery, and occasionally and oddly enough the smell of cows everywhere, but I have a strong feeling what I miss most is the feeling of security I had there. The feeling that I had no serious responsibilities, that if I or anyone/thing fucked up mildly (or really badly), it would be in someone else's (capable) hands other than mine. Everything that was hard about my life didn't have to be on my mind for two whole months. I think the biggest responsibility I had while there was collecting zooplankton. 

And the thing is, I know that feeling isn't sustainable now that I'm actually an adult. And I know I was lucky to have even a two month vacation from responsibility where I could pretend I was a kid again (except, a kid who can drink and curse). It was awesome, and I'm so damn thankful because whether or not it made it easier to come back and have to be responsible for myself and my dad (until my mom comes back, and then mostly just responsible for me), the awesomeness was worth it. But now the awesomeness is over and I'm tired of missing it like I should be missing Wellesley since Wellesley was 4 years and Siberia was 2 months. Siberia was awesome, but let's get over it and get back to real life because real life is true.


dear random people commenting in russian on my journal, 
nice try. 

Last night one of my friend's brother's friends (ie, her brother's friend) came to visit her, and consequently, us. He's an air force dude, as far as I can tell, currently in a job he's not that content with (paper pushing) and probably an intellect too big for it. He seemed kind of like a dude who's taken a beta-male position in the ranks of life because of circumstances or temperament, but is frustrated with it. He was respectful and polite at the beginning of the night, but as the drinks continued he got more sarcastic and I guess some of the military banter came out, which is just really the wrong kind of banter to have with our Wellesley crowd (he called Hillary Clinton something like a "rabid she-bitch" and that he'd prefer Michelle Bachmann as president, despite finding republicans scary himself). To be fair, this was before he learned she was an alum and that was possibly the worst possible thing to say to a bunch of Wellesley kids.

At one point when he'd just clarified that he was straight (oh good, for a moment I was worried you were gay, and that would be terrible) one friend said "I just assume everyone's gay" jokingly, and he said "oh good, so we all start out equally worthless", or something, and I just thought, ok, this is the difference between socialization. Because I honestly can't fault him specifically for that, or for various semi racist comments/jokes made throughout the night (he wasn't caucasian, for the record, but being a person of colour doesn't preclude you from being racist), because I imagine that's the kind of banter you need to survive in a military environment, where they watch you shower for the first two weeks and, you know, whatever the hell else. That's what you learn to say because it's funny and so easy to do. It's the difference between my best friend apologizing and clarifying after making a comment that accidentally could have been seen as making fun of trans people under intense scrutiny because she understands the context of her words and how they can affect people, and this guy being five or whatever drinks in and spouting out fake Chinese or a Chinese accent which is, by the way, one of my ultimate pet peeves.

Anyway, it's weird because while I can know what that guy is saying is wrong even though I think it's more the fault of his socialization than anything else, I know equally well that I would have to befriend him in order to make any change, which to be honest I wouldn't do unless I didn't have a choice. And I mean, this is what the real world is like, right? If I segregate myself by ideology I'll feel more comfortable, but I'll miss out on knowing people who are genuinely good and interesting because they are ignorant in some ways, and I don't want to have to teach them (because it's not my job). And that's another hard argument- I know that if I were in that situation, I would feel an obligation to at least try and help alleviate someone's ignorance, but I also know and understand the argument that, for example, people of colour shouldn't have to delineate all the ways in which they feel marginalized to white people because if white people really want to know they can figure it out for themselves (oh, hello, conversation had every single finals period at wellesley ever). And there's absolutely no way I can fault those who go "no, fuck those ignorant people, I can't deal with them anymore, they've taken too much from me and I deserved none of it." Because sometimes I feel like that. But then people are changeable, and I still believe that most will alter their ways for good if you give them the chance to. I want to believe the best in people. 

That was a long rant without anyone else butting in, so if anyone has counter-opinions please do let me know. This is a blorfed hypothesis rather than a conclusion. I don't think I'll ever be finished thinking about this. 

(in other news, I was going to post about how I figured out my summer plans, but then this post already got too long. so maybe later?)

I've been missing London a little bit recently. I'm not sure what that means, because I know for a fact that I am much more content where I am now than I was in London and that I was quite tired of it by the end, to be honest, but now I kind of miss it. Maybe because I was pretty much on my own, had few connections with other people, and the city itself held no warmth for me, but it had novelty and beauty and seemingly infinite places to be explored (also, good food. SO MUCH GOOD FOOD.) . I've been pondering recently about the benefits of loving people. And it's hard, because as much as we give each other hope and love and happiness, we also break each other's hearts with depressing accuracy and ease. Not necessarily on purpose, but just by our very nature as mortal beings. And that's sometimes hard to bear. 

In mundane news, I hate packing because I'm always terrified I've forgotten something but regardless I'll be getting on a plane to toddle over to Boston tomorrow, where I will FINALLY WATCH THE REICHENBACH FALL. 

Points: 1. I have gotten really into Sherlock fandom. Like into fandom in such a way I thought wasn't possible anymore (for whatever reason) since Inception and Arthur/Eames. 2. For whatever reason, this time I'm really into Mycroft/Lestrade and whatever, Lestrade is a silver fox. 3. I am ridiculously and logic-bendingly excited for it and OF COURSE it's the one that you can get super spoiled by and OF COURSE I am really bad at not spoiling myself. Like I checked twitter, saw a tweet from Mark Gatiss post-episode and went GAAAAAH and covered my eyes, automatically checked tumblr on accident and saw a post from someone and went GAAAH and covered my eyes, then checked bloody facebook and someone posted about Sherlock. FRUSTRATIONS. 

Not only must I refrain from watching it, but I must also refrain from visiting any. social. media. Except for posting to livejournal, and email. 

If you're wondering why I'm waiting, it's because I told my girlfriend I was going to watch it with her (she hasn't seen any of the new season, so we may have to watch all of the previous episodes beforehand. not like that's a hardship or anything). To my knowledge this isn't a request on her part, I'm just needlessly torturing myself because up until now I seem to have treated watching Sherlock like some kind of shameful secret and watched it alone (first viewings, subsequent viewings with others), and I thought I would...try... something.. different. 

I don't even know. I probably just need someone there so I don't actually bawl my eyes out like a babychild. Or scream at the laptop. Or watch Lestrade's appearances on repeat. 

(it is nice to be so consumed with it, though. It sops up my rampant emotions like a soul paper towel.)

reachable goals.

This is a post about academics. 

So, my classes this year are challenging. I'm taking two labs, one is 2nd year Chemistry (which, let me tell you, first year chemistry was not a walk in the park) and one is Genetics, which people have told me is what they've heard as the hardest class a Bio major has to take. This and a Parasitology seminar (a bit of cell and a bit of organismal, but not bad on the whole, just uninspiring) and a Children's writing class that is actually quite fun (when I can find the books since I decided to be a complete cheapskate this semester and try not to buy any of my books..).

I have two exams this week; I took one this morning. 

I'm very grateful I don't have more than one exam on the same day, and I'm grateful that I have a day between my exams. But it's still been a stressfull week. I'm never one to get super stressed about academics, but I can feel the anxiety in my chest and shoulders when I think about my classes. 

I've never been a model student (by model I mean ideal, I've done well enough in enough of my classes that I can safely say I'm a fairly decent student), especially when compared to my friends and fellow Wellesley students. I study, but usually not more than a day before exams, and as I recall at UCL last semester I studied about 1-2 hours total for each exam (plus attending most of the lectures). That was as low as my studiousness has ever been, which I'll readily admit is pretty darn low. 

This year I'm trying really hard to be better as a student, which helps because I have motivated people in Chem and Bio who want to study and work on psets outside of class. The first few weeks I thought I could be the same student I've always been, which has failed horribly because 1) chem and genetics are HARD and do not come easily to me and 2) I have, essentially, all my work due on monday night/tuesday. 

But, the point is, I'm busy. I've been in the science center a disturbing amount the past few days. I just don't like how student interactions can so often get into a "I'm busier than you, look at all these things I have to do, oh god, how do I survive." Because yes, I have many friends who are legitimately busy (two are taking the LSATS this weekend.. I'm stressed FOR them) but as someone who never SEEMS busy or stressed on a day-to-day basis, I get a little tired of people automatically assuming they're more stressed/busy than I am.  

I don't know how productive this post was...like. At all, but I dunno. I had a moment today where I was like "if I just pass my classes, I'll be fine. I can graduate and get a job and it might not be, like, David Attenborough's job, but it'll give me money and then I can do other things and honestly I can probably still get into grad school if I don't do well in these two classes." 

It's not like I'm trying to get into a specific grad school, or med school or law school like most of my friend group. It's not like I'm trying to win a prestigious fellowship and go to Indonesia to study the rare elephant beetle (I just made that up). I mean changing the world in a huge way would be cool and then everyone would look up to me and invite me back to Wellesley as an alum all LOOK AT THIS COOL LADY WHO'S COMING HOLY CRAP HAVE SOME PIZZA AND TALK TO HER and I would be, like, objectively awesome. But really, when I look at what I need from life, that's not one of my priorities. I just want to have a fun life, where I love people and make them happy and they make me happy too and I can try and pay back the world for having me in it little by little by trying to make an infinetessimal bit of good happen.

I'd be ok with that. 

somewhere only we know

 I'm sick (possibly still feverish, but I can never tell and after a lifetime of convincing my mother I was feverish and too sick to go to school when my temperature turned out to be completely normal, and also the opposite, I honestly can't really tell if I have a fever or not. Without a thermometer. Which I haven't bothered to buy, because I'm not hallucinating or incoherent so I'll be FINE.). 

Less than a month until I'm back in the states. I'm really ready to go. I don't know why, exactly. It's not like I'll be going back home, or to Wellesley, or anywhere I'll recognize. It's not generally like me to be dissatisfied with my current circumstance, either. And I think I'll have a lot of hard work, if the mock research proposals on the sakai (well at least something is familiar) website Rutgers put up for us are anything to go by. THOSE WERE A LOT OF PAGES. AND THEY HAVE TO BE DONE IN THE FIRST WEEK. But I'll be doing stuff related to BIOLOGY again, which, let's face it, I haven't really done this semester. This semester wasn't really an ace academic semester, nor an ace social semester. But it was a great learning semester in other ways, and by that I mostly mean visiting more museums than ever and seeing so many places in England with my friends and family. and LONDON. Good gosh London. And I mean, it's not like I was expecting anything else, really. I didn't go to London for the academics or the clubbing or to blossom into a better version of myself... I think Wellesley's already helped that (except for the word "blossom", oh dear, no thank you). I guess I just took for granted the feeling of being at home I get from Wellesley, assuming I could find it anywhere. And I know I have conveniently forgotten a lot of the small things that frustrated me about Wellesley + the difficult classes, but I'll have my idealized dreams until training starts..
I think I'll be happy to be back in the states, regardless. There are many reasons why I believe this to be the case but one of them is BIOLOGY + hopefully ACTUALLY INTERESTING  WORK. Another is PHONE CALLS. I don't even talk on the phone that much in the states anymore (except with my parents, so that will be nice), it's just the fact that I will have that ability. And texting. And, um, everything will be cheaper, by which I mean it will be NOT  IN POUNDS.
So, yeah. I'm ready to go back. London, you're great, you're cultural, I am so much more confident walking alone in the street in a city,  but I'm ready to go somewhere else. Which means I should probably sleep so that I can start my lovely FULL DAY OF PLANT STUDYING tomorrow! I thought I was gonna use today for studying too, but apparently my immune system decided hacking up a lung would be more appropriate, and who am I to argue with my own body? I hope I'll improve by tomorrow, though, or else I'll have to resort to meds so's I can take an exam on Monday. 
UNI LIFE. It is exciting. 

what the hell


Also I can't find journal articles to really argue against. Gnddnsdgkgsdkdkdkkkkkkk

Stayed up till 5AM last night hanging out with the girlfriend.

I can't believe I can type that sentence.

There are two parts of that sentence that boggle me: 1, 5AM . 2, girlfriend (I can say it now instead of think it and then replace it with "girl I'm dating")


No it's ok I just have to focus on essaywriting now, oh goooododdddddd.

(5AM, you guys. 5AM. I woke up at 12. This is not average, this is not how I function)
(but it was definitely worth it)
Man this Thanksgiving break isn't at all relaxing. Know how I can tell? When I  consider doing work to de-stress.

Between getting my Visa application together, telling my ridiculously serious mother about being in a relationship and having her supportive but also really fucking depressing, and seeing my dad's memory worse than when I left, I am, uh, a little off.

I think I know who to blame.

So it has occurred to me, as this summer has progressed, that I have a serious Thing for suits. Like, not just a normal "oh dudes in suits are hot" kind of thing. A pretty big bias.

It's Stephen Fry's fault. I'm 80% certain. Him and his whole Jeeves business started this train off, and now I'm completely spoiled for normal men's clothing.

Anyway the point of this post is that I watched Inception a couple weeks ago, enjoyed it, and goddamn if Joseph Gordon Levitt isn't my new soulmate for the way he looks in a three piece suit. THAT'S ALL.

Except that I promised la_victorienne I'd draw her two pieces of art for her birthday, whatever she wanted, and literally THE DAY after I decided to draw her Arthur/Eames to fuel her latest obsession despite her not asking for anything yet she messages me and goes HEY YOU DRAW SOME PICS, I'LL WRITE SOME FIC.

How can I say no to that? 

So here's the first of two pieces for Demi, which could be gen but by intention is Arthur/Eames. I HOPE IT GETS HER INSPIRATION POPPIN.

(Here is a fake cut over to my sketch journal to see art that hopefully looks like Arthur and Eames, whut.



Now let's all take a moment to look at Rachel Maddow's face. Done? Good.

I have officially been interning at a vet hospital in Matthews for two weeks (ish) now, which is exciting. They let me DO STUFF even if it is just cutting nails, making sure post-op animals are doing ok, that kind of thing. Everyone's really nice and it's a tiny practice but they have a relatively huge amount of interns (i've only met two, one who started my second day and one whose last day was my third day..) and I think this is because it is such a tiny practice so they need help. So I think part of why my internship search this summer was so fail is because I kept contacting the large practices, when they all have business managers who can be like "uh no thanks" which happened to me.

I think I'm in denial about having to go back to college soon. I'm excited, don't get me wrong, I had a dream about moving in last night but it seems kind of far away and I have SO MUCH LEFT TO GIVE.

Lastly, I have been working out on Sundays with a friend at a Cardio Funk class which would be an incredible loss of dignity for me if it weren't for the fact that it is a GYM full of people and so I simply work on not running into the people around me and doing the best I can, lack-of-rhythm wise (I would like to point out that it took be 10 attempts before I could spell rhythm correctly) and it's a good workout.

I think I'm going to make some pasta.

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