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not tired enough

Tonight is another one of those summer nights where I've tried to go to sleep and just felt like I can't. and if you think you can't sleep...then you usually can't (in my experience). Lately there have been nights where I've had to stay up 'till I'm exhausted so I can fall asleep properly. I guess part of it is feeling a bit of a useless bum, what with not having things to do and bumming off the 'rents like I know I shouldn't. If I was smart, I would be preparing somehow for this year. I don't know how, but... something. I dunno. I'm scheduled to talk with a vet about volunteering at his clinic (rescue?) a week from now-ish, but that's a week from now and less than a month before I head back to college, so I don't even know if they'll want me for such a short term.

Blah. I usually like to think of stories before I go to bed while I try to sleep, but I haven't really been able to make myself do that, which is causing the sleeping issue. Audiobooks I know really well work sometimes, but I left my iPod downstairs and I don't like to rely on that... I guess I should just be ok with it, and fall asleep at 3 or whenever and wake up just before 12 but goddamn it makes me feel like a loser.

I guess I need a decent month-long project I can work on that will actually make me feel accomplished when I'm working on it...if that's even possible. Anyone have any ideas?  

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It is roughly 20 minutes until the USA VERSUS GHANA game of the world cup that I am PSYCHED FOR and I thought I would update my livejournal. I have been following the world cup like an actual sports fan, which I always do because there's something about the arbitrary choosing of countries to support that gets me every time.

Alas, I didn't get to watch most of this past week's games because I spent most of this week making money. And by making money, I mean agreeing to do odd jobs that my mom's friends need me to do, and by that,  I mean minor-league temping and major-league being a delivery girl for a greasy spoon Chinese restaurant.

Things I didn't like included the sitting around and waiting for for half of the 10 hours, and a lot of lousy tips. Also it was kind of scary at night, but I got off at 9:30 and the sun really only went down at 8-8:30 so I ended up only doing one or two night deliveries. Not that many deliveries total, anyway. I'd never really thought of this before, but mostly delivery people are guys, presumably because the "dangers" of the job and the driving aspect. I think people were surprised to see someone female when they opened the door to get their food. It was interesting and worth the general life experience but I think I'll be happy if they never ask me to do that again. :P 

I've also been shadowing at a local vet, which means following a vet around and watching him interact with patients and do surgeries. It has been tiring but also very interesting, and I have enjoyed it immensely and hopefully the vet will let me continue to follow him around.

Now they're singing the national anthems, so I'm gonna get back to the game. GO USA!

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I wore my hair down today for the first time in like forEVER because it usually looks horrid, but today it looked ok, and then IT WAS WINDY OUTSIDE AND I HATE HAVING HAIR DOWN IN THE WIND.

I end up looking like Cousin It.

(yeah that's really all I had to share today. my desk is a mess too.) 
It seems to me I haven't updated in a while, and I have a lot of things to share today, so it's time to make an LJ post! :D 

First off, my school is hosting Dan Choi to lecture about DADT and I am SUPER excited and going to the lecture! It's Dan Choi! He was on Rachel Maddow! whutt. Anyway. Um. Yeah, so I have to try and make this post quick so I get at least standing space (I have the feeling it's going to be packed, but maybe that's just me).

Also, I've been on a HUGE Tracy Chapman kick these past few days. I dunno what it's about, but it keeps my soul happy so who am I to argue. :P I love her voice, I love her lyrics, and I loooooove her melodies. I'm especially enamored with "Hard Wired" at the moment. It has come to my attention that she has written a LOT LOT of love songs, and if it were anyone else I would be judging just a little bit (cough cough taylor swift cough cough) but with her it just seems mature and interesting. ANYWAY. I digress.

I also have hermit crabs now! They got shipped in today, and now they're in my room (we watched two switch shells in front of us, it was HAWESOME) . :) We're doing a biology lab where we are studying whether hermit crabs get used to individuals. We shall see!

Lastly, we did LIFE DRAWING today in art class (thank goodness I didn't skip!) and apparently it came as a surprise to the professor even (it was scheduled before he took over the class) but at first I was like OH GOD I WILL HAVE TO DRAW A NAKED LADY because as much as I have done figure drawing (I mean, more than your average person, less than your average studio art major in her sophomore year) I've never done nudes, and while the prospect has never particularly bothered me, the I idea that it would actually HAPPEN was kind of frightening. But then it did, and it was fun, and my art prof said he could tell that I'd done figure drawing before (yissss oh my god i love figure drawing) and I just have to say that I think the human body is exceptionally beautiful. I think it's easy for me to forget that, because all I really see is mine and only occasional glimpses, but when I look at it for a while I just fall in love with it bit by bit, the curves and steep lines and where the shadows fall. It's quite beautiful and poetic.

So yeah, I am all for the coming of a time when people are less restrained about nudity/sensuality/what have you because the body is awesome, y'all, ain't no doubt about it.

Gender!Fail.

I think there's a line between taking things as seriously as they should be taken and being too PC/easily affronted. At Wellesley I think we get really super PC, in different ways- gender/sexuality and race are seemingly always at the forefront of people's minds and treated accordingly.

Like...when HerCampus (which I believe is a blog dedicated to female college students) decided to have a "Mr. Freshman" competition and told the Wellesley branch that they expected participation, it was kind of dumb, because Wellesley has no freshmen on account of being a women's college. When the HerCampus main people responded to this by going "oh, well, just get some guys.. guy friends, brothers, boyfriends, etc, who will be willing to represent Wellesley in the competition.." It was a dumber idea.

Dumber because, as a college which has made a point of not having a male president and has a tendency to be on the radical side of feminism, they should have known Wellesley was not going to stand for having some random guys chosen at the last second to represent their campus, even on a "Mr. Freshman" contest. (Seriously though? Couldn't they just have said "oh y'all can opt out"?)

And sure enough, there was a minor uproar. I think a few people went off the far side of offended for this (seeing as it is a blog and a superficial contest on that blog), but there is one thing I am glad about.

We are now holding a Mr./Ms. Wellesley Campus First Year competition! :D Which is cute and fun and I am so glad this didn't happen last year because I have a feeling there would be a utilization of photos of me in drag which I wouldn't necessarily condone.
My friends and I just ordered chinese food and I am so psyched you guys, so psyched. I ordered about $20 worth of Chinese food...dumplings, soup, and vegetarian's delight+rice.

Good lord someone should have stopped me.

Anywho, I had a great time at a Jazz concert on campus last night. The concert was for the benefit of a class Hayley is taking, a collaboration between the plays and musicals English class and our Jazz music faculty. It reminded me how great music is, in this particular case Jazz. It was obvious that all of the musicians were having a great time and it definitely affected the audience. I found myself tapping my toes unintentionally, and it was delightful.

I also watched Star Wars (the third old one?) last night with my friends, because my friend Steph has been bugging me to watch it ever since I told her I hadn't seen the trilogy and she made me watch the first two... so we watched it, but I honestly don't remember much since we ended up mostly talking the entire way through.

OH. and the night before we watched St. Trinian's which is legit probably going to be up on one of my favourite movies ever list. Rupert Everett in drag? SO MUCH YES.

As you can all see, I have spent most of the weekend in denial of the fact that I am sick.

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Have you ever wanted something really badly, yet not been sure whether you would be able to get it? 

That's how I'm feeling right now about becoming a First-Year Mentor next year for Wellesley's class of 2014 (HOLY CRAP). Our orientation is the week before classes start, so essentially an FYM is someone who is assigned to a group of 13 first-years, and helps them through registration/getting used to college/HOLY CRAP I AM AWAY FROM MY PARENTS sort of thing. Mostly during orientation, but also through first semester/sometimes second semester. And I have always thought I would make a good FYM, secretly, in my heart of hearts. All of my skills are kind of in that area- I'm good at making people feel comfortable, I like learning about people and trying to get them out of their shells, I am good at being the leader in a situation where I am the one who is designated to take charge. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things I'm bad at, but I think I would make a good FYM. I like people, I like talking to them, and I love showing them things I think they'd get excited about. And just.. the way everyone talks about being an FYM sounds so much like something I'd like to do.

So the interview process is pretty strenuous, especially considering it's a voluntary/unpaid position, but every step has just strengthened exactly how much I want to be an FYM. All the interview questions, and the Carousel (which is the team exercise "interview" half) which just happened today have only made me want to be an FYM MORE. Today I spent from 9AM-12PM working in a group of 6 other interviewees and it was REALLY FUN. I really liked the activities, the thought put into it, and interacting with people who I didn't know well. It reminds me why I like being social.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would really love to do this next year, and I think I'll be really disappointed if they decide I'm not a good enough candidate. Not just because I don't like not doing well enough, but also because.. I'm usually pretty self-selective about things. If I don't think I'll be good for it/wouldn't like it, I usually don't apply, no matter the benefits. Just because I think that my time would be better put toward things I'll either be good at or enjoy (ideally both). And if I don't get in it means my self-selection has erred.

When I have applied to things in the past, it has been with a kind of "eh" (shrug) effect wherein I will be disappointed if I can't get it, but I won't mind ALL that much. I didn't have a specific college in mind to attend when I wanted to apply, all of the internships have been "well maybe I'll get in but I doubt it." I don't think I have REALLY REALLY wanted to do something this much since, like... the Cambridge program. It just makes me wonder if I'm jinxing myself, or if I don't get the position, does that mean that there's something I'm missing that I've been deluding myself about? 

Man, I dunno. But I do really want to lead first years around next year, and now that the interview process is over, we're supposed to find out before spring break. So wish me luck, I guess? 

Feb. 8th, 2010

It's charging up to be insanely busy again, much as I would wish it otherwise. Today was still a good day though. Even if I did have to take a lukewarm shower (shakes fist at the gods of early morning showers).

There's this momentum of everything starting up, and it takes a little while to start running usually (at least, at the start of last semester it did), but this semester it's like we're already at full run and I have definitely not trained for a marathon. I guess I'll just have to take it one week at a time. Thankfully, at the end of this week is a shiny 3-day weekend, and plotting plans with friends means it's shaping to turn out well. :) 

(everyone's freaking out about internships though which means I feel like I should be too. But I don't want to apply to stuff anymore.)

I firewoman-carried my laundry back up the stairs to my room from the laundry room. I feel strong, even with my shoulder hurting gently.

baby it's cold outside.

What is going on in my life right now...

well I've gone and given myself a lot of things to do tomorrow, which is kind of sucky but I guess I'll deal with it. (Homework, applications/essays to finish by monday, art for drawing class).

I'm also (yet again) participating in the fan-dance for our chinese organization's cultural showthat the presidents of martial arts have lovingly choreographed. I made the "a team" or the fan dance equivalent of such, and am feeling slightly inferior at the moment. The workout I got from the practice today was excellent, however. I'm sure I shall be sore tomorrow.

I don't really like being outside in the winter, which is unfortunate because I really do like being outside otherwise. But I did make sure I was wrapped up very warm today and thus it wasn't too bad, but still walking from kendall station to the kendall theatre was a bit biting.

But on to the point. I saw Creation, which is a movie about Charles Darwin based on personal documents and a book written by one of his children.

Let me be honest here. I am an aspiring biologist, yes, but despite this I know pretty much nothing about Darwin. I know he almost became a clergyman, that he started at Cambridge but didn't finish, and that the married his first cousin. Oh, yes, and the whole H.M.S. Beagle/specimen-finding/Galapagos/Origin of Species thing. But I mean despite the fact (and I'm actually really embarassed about this) that I demanded the illustrated edition of On the Origin of Species for Christmas, I did not read any of it except for the introduction and first few pages. I did, however, look at half the illustrations the night before I was due back at college. I didn't bring the book back to college because it is hardback and freaking HEAVY. There was also a story about "natives" being made into "civilized christians" that apparently happened which amused me greatly in the supporting documents.

I'm not entirely sure what I expected when I sat down halfway through the trailer of Babies (which looks awesome by the way) on a movie about Charles Darwin. I knew it was going to feature the conflict with his wife about religion, and his daughter, and probably his main work because how can you not talk about the Origin of Species when you mention Darwin? 
I don't think I really spoil anything here but this is just in case. Also it's movie-rambling, and that's not really my strong suit in the first place. Collapse )

I'm gonna go look at some reviews now because I like to hear other people's opinions about things so I can feel validated.

It kind of did remind me of this Discworld quote, which is by Vetinari in Unseen Academicals and pretty much encompasses how I feel about the idea of an omniscient, omnipotent creator:  "If there is any kind of supreme being...it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."

conglomeration of mismatched thoughts

I've gotten a little obsessed with Robert Downey Jr as of late. It's distressing, mostly because I used to think he was kind of adorable and vaguely attractive and now, nope, no, no more.

Ah well.

I wish I had fingerless gloves because that would mean my hands would be warm even when I work at the computer. As it is I have to stop and rub my fingers every few minutes, or clench them into fists.

Recently I aquired a new tablet, one that actually works, and it's kind of amazing how my interest in art has been slightly re-kindled. I remember back when I was in middle school and I would be inspired by anything- a song, a thought, a person, a colour combination, and I would scrawl it down in my sketchbook. Nowadays I'm a lot more discerning in what I decide to draw in my sketchbook. It's a little sad. I still bring my sketchbook with me when I go on long rides, or I try to (out of habit and the hope that I might WANT to sketch something), but I think I'm too cynical now. And too scared. It's ok when you're in middle school  and early high school and you're "into drawing" and bringing your sketchbook everywhere. Sometimes I'll take it out and draw a few nonsensical lines out of habit with a few flicks of my wrist, but especially if I'm somewhere public I get gripped by anxiety. I don't even want to think about what I might want to draw because someone will judge me for it.

I care more now about how other people will respond to my art now than I ever did when my art was of lower quality. It's ironic.

But I will keep up with it, because if I can count of the things that make me happy in life, it's pretty much- hanging out with animals, drawing, and making people happy. Or entertaining them. At least, I think so.

Part of the point of this post is that I'm just realizing that I'm actually a lot more visual-minded than I've ever let myself believe. Um. the other part is because I'm bored.

Oh, I'm reading Gerald Durrell's book My Family and Other Animals for the umpteenth time. I love the way he writes and characterises animals. 

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