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not as good of a person as I should be.

I am tired of this nonsense. I'm tired of waking up every morning since I've been back home having just dreamt of Siberia and wanting so badly to go back there. Because yeah, I miss the people alright, and yeah, I miss the scenery, and occasionally and oddly enough the smell of cows everywhere, but I have a strong feeling what I miss most is the feeling of security I had there. The feeling that I had no serious responsibilities, that if I or anyone/thing fucked up mildly (or really badly), it would be in someone else's (capable) hands other than mine. Everything that was hard about my life didn't have to be on my mind for two whole months. I think the biggest responsibility I had while there was collecting zooplankton. 

And the thing is, I know that feeling isn't sustainable now that I'm actually an adult. And I know I was lucky to have even a two month vacation from responsibility where I could pretend I was a kid again (except, a kid who can drink and curse). It was awesome, and I'm so damn thankful because whether or not it made it easier to come back and have to be responsible for myself and my dad (until my mom comes back, and then mostly just responsible for me), the awesomeness was worth it. But now the awesomeness is over and I'm tired of missing it like I should be missing Wellesley since Wellesley was 4 years and Siberia was 2 months. Siberia was awesome, but let's get over it and get back to real life because real life is true.



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September 2012


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